Crying
it was constant
Thank goodness for my friends
The desperate messages to Sandra
I love you
How could you do this to me
I left my wife for you
Hearing his voice pleading
You have no idea
the pain
How he suffered
How I was suffering
Asking people if they knew about her
Did he seem despondent
Did he kill himself
The torture
No one can understand this pain
I got drunk and stayed out to late
I was so upset and crying
I scared Scott
He was angry
Those songs of love and desperation
I asked his mom did Mike give the sloth a ring
No
he gave that other woman a ring that I gave him
It cost him 400 dollars to ship it
What
You knew about her?
But Mike knew to keep it on the down low
He had several women he talked to every day
One that was like his best friend
She apologized for an indescretion
I cussed some ladies out now I have become friends with
So weird
No turning back I guess

The phone powered on
One swipe
L
Snapchat
What's app
Hangouts
Screenshots
His last selfies
It was mortifying honestly
I could not believe what I was seeing
I was in shock again
Already distraught
Absolutely destroyed
I was not prepared
But this was my lesson
I would have spent the rest of my life
Trapped in the cycle of never moving on
I would have immortalized the Norwegian prince
I would have taken the love lost to my grave
Love lost took him there
Not me
That is my lesson
Addiction, obsession, delusion
The columbian witch
His obsession
In his phone so many voluptuous Spanish dark eyed women
All their parts
Splayed out and glistening

Torment
Grief
I just couldn't understand
We were waiting on Mike's things
His wallet
His keys
His phone
They couldn't transport him with them
Mike was dead the better part of a week before he got to Portland
No one could see him now
Teless said no
He had a terrible head wound.
Mike's friend took care of him and took care of us
like an excellent mortician
When Mike left he stayed in the morticians home
In my eyes they were accidental facilitators
They cheered on his death
They thought the sloth and he made an excellent couple
I protected Mike from some weird information
A secret lie
And he turned it around
I always tried to protect him from himself
In the end I know the secrets
I know the choices
The box came mid week that next week
He had several credit cards
He never paid bills or took care of money
He didn't want to learn
In the end
5 years of giving his money to online scam artists
Free cam girls are never free
Columbian fake girlfriends
While he never paid a penny to help his family pay the debts he accrued
He laughed when I asked if he paid the sloth some rent
Fuck no Linda
I'm single
That's her place not mine

The apartment
Teless and I need to go in
We had been through days of crying
No idea how many
The pain is a blur
Every turn seemed to turn it up a bit
Mike took it to 11
This day amplified
Going in and seeing the things
I knew were ours from the split
Things we had owned together
23 years
The plates I threw out of the back of the car
Angry and hollering
The split
reopened and amplified
The photo album of our honeymoon
I sat at the desk an opened the drawer
A stack of photos
One of a women with her breast bound
Strangely sexy
This was just fetish
Something he liked
Then photos one after another
The woman in Columbia
I knew her face immediately
Sandra Paola
Before he left I was watching
Little conversations
The sloth was more sly than people know
And the columbian 25 year old
I read every message outloud
Torment
When he was ready to walk out the door
So much proof in this sadness
And we walked out the door of his apartment
Knowing
Sandra
Not one photo of the sloth
I am still angry at a friend who went
Insidiously behind my back
A family friend
And got together on the sly

10/25/2013
The first time Sandra really hurt Mike's heart
"U hurt me very bad. This was a big surprise to me. I wish you hadn't lied so much to me. I feel betrayed by you. Please take off necklace. That was my gift to you. I started seeing other girls.  (The sloth) is in love with me. Goodbye love"

The spin out
I can't fix it
I can't change any of it
That is the crazy
The sadness
I can't hold anyone accountable
I can't make someone say I'm sorry
When they just aren't
I can't understand it
And so much trauma
So much sickness
So much sadness
And
I can't bring him back
I can't make him better
I can't make her sorry

All poetry aside
Pain put in my pocket
Suffering and sadness
Check
It's time to close the door
Skeleton key to a skeletons closet
Check
I know the score
And so do you
And you
And you

The beautiful pain parade
Dancing through
As tears poured
Hugging the living
Mourning the accidental death
Making plans for the icon
The Norwegian prince
How could this happen
It is a terrible tragedy
How could this woodsman bend
Into this wind
Swirling high in this ravine
Oh how could these tears understand
The moss loosening under foot
The degradation of grey
The loss of self
The Norwegian prince
Longing
full of despair
Floating in his waiting
The dance was not mine in these tears
Twirling in this third world mortality
The witches brew bubbling
As he put this ring on his finger
Wishing it were hers
Kissing the lens
Faking through the day
Wishing the dread lock king
Had not taken his semen
Leaving the cock flaccid
And the spell is broken my Norwegian prince
As you lay waiting
In the place you chose to bleed out
With your balls in your hand
Littered with sad words
So pathetic in this longing
And they kept coming to say goodbye
And the drink in our hands
Raised skol
As the hell opened

What does it feel like
The pain of being left
The suffering that you feel when you've hurt someone
And they have hurt you
The apologies
The anguish
I would cry on the kitchen floor
Wishing I could fix it
How does it feel to watch your girlfriend
Quietly take advantage of the pain
While you watch
The reality is this
And I knew it was true then and I know it more now
The sloth was a pawn
She was an opportunist
But he was as well
The witch was in his sight
Or was it the other way
The witch was an opportunist
She was his end game
I would say you don't love her
And he would say in my own way I do
For a short period of time in his pain
When Sandra was with Sven
Maybe
But we were meeting up crazy
Making out and trying to figure it out
I was mowing down tiny affairs
Making up for lost time
Honest in my apathy
Then Sven was not there and she needed a meal ticket
Mike loved her more than his own son
He paid for her life while we suffered
I would say don't you pay part of the sloths rent?
Hell no Linda
That's her place
Why would I
He was paying for an apartment
In Columbia
Sandra Paola Sanchez Castillo
Call 70 # 90-68
Bogota
Columbia