Walk in
fear
anxiety
immediate discomfort
this is when the drinking starts
when the drinking fixes but not tonight
not now
not in this room
hateful
fear whispers in my ear
I am scared of the light, the anger, the cat piss smell
scared of the ego that is new and uncomfortable
the ego that I am
that we are
some things seem so right
but it isn't true, it's shit and lies
bullshit and ego masked in fear
I feel small
I feel Fellini
confused
chasing my fear
drinking my fear
walking into the cool white night
machinery talks with bright whirring lights
women flag me across cold streets and I feel safer
safer
with my ego
in my hand
and my cunt in my pocket
wearing age like a badge
I have made it
and I wear it on my lapel
clean
neat.