They told me that the base camp would be at Brown's or Roger's
Still no word
I let everyone know we would be there
Holding vigil
Hoping
We got moving slow
No sleep fear and depression.
Brandie was coming with sandwiches
My friends are the best friends in the world
We drove there
Wednesday
Roger's camp
My heart has sunk and my hope was waning honestly
Grounded in the love
We got there and Casey came and Deanna from Mike's band
It's weird how people think they know someone a couple of years in a band
I kind of wanted to tell her so but Mike liked her
Worried about Aimee I guess
She is a casualty too
More than she knows
But in all my empathy I don't care
Tom and Ryan had been searching the roads
The weather was still good
The seconds were so slow
Jess was there he had been there and he was exhausted
He explained that they went to breakfast
Split off at 10 and were gonna meet up for lunch
He didn't show for lunch
Jess said a few years back Mike came back to the group super late
That wasn't my Mike so weird
Jess put a sandwich in the truck on the seat
They had had a beer and a toke
He told Jess as he walked away it's so beautiful
When he came back at 2 and no mike he started panicking
Waiting and calling searching
Around 4 he sent someone for the sheriff
We sat at the picnic table
Waited
Ezra, Alex, another friend Eric, Casey and Brandie, Deanna
Teless and I
Waiting for an update
If anyone else was there I can't remember

I went home that Tuesday evening
Pacing and afraid
Is he lost?
Did someone accidentally shoot him?
Not once did I think he could have killed himself
Is he hurt?
Is he laying dead?
Did Jess kill him?  The timing seemed weird.
No
Paranoid
Scared
And they searched until the sun was down
Tom and Ryan drove the roads
The night before they drove the roads
They were the only ones they let help
Besides Jess
Ryan didn't let them say no
That I'm sure of
Mike had burned some people
He spun a lot of stories
Blame shifting
He kept digging this hole deeper
I didn't know
Did Jess kill Mike?
Grounded in the love
Imagine your heart in your chest
Make it glow
Send a signal through your feet
Beacon of hope
Sent to find him
No way Jess would kill Mike

People are calling offering help but we need to keep the search site controlled
We don't want additional casualties
They thought Mike was not dressed well and without water
And the timelines seemed weird
How could he have left at 10 am and they weren't meeting back up until 4
It seems suspicious
Maybe Jess could have killed him
No way
Grounded in the love
Where are you Michael?
The trailer with the operation
Computer information
It takes FEMA to approve a helecopter
Dogs
Drones
Super pro
Two pictures
That horrible photo ID
And a picture Teless sent  them from the deer lodge
Mike chose to be so far from home in his life
It's what he wanted
He'd say I just want to be a dirtbag
Legendary loser
I never had expectations
You did Linda
I did
5 years and you could count the number of times you chose to see your son on two hands
700 dollars in 5 years  when we had no food and had no gas
It was never Aimee he wanted to put in my house I paid to save
It was Sandra
He said Sandra  will be the Queen of Witch Hollow
Little did he know she was a lie
Thousands of dollars wasted and he knew it
A week before he fell

I remember that night in the woods
while you threw white gas on the flames
everyone was jacked on crystal meth
I sat quiet watching the fire
the military grade glow sticks
broke shards of glass
While you ran into the night
glowing
we were a ribbon of smiles
watching the men
flurry of boys
drunk and high
as we flanked the fire sparkling
the night became dawn
I slept on the bench of the suburban waiting for the sun
You sang with our boy in that beast
remember my dad called it a crummy
we would always say
what the hell is a crummy

The search site

I drove up the hill 

Scott next to me

Maybe a mile of gravel climbing

Fear 

Parking 

Search and rescue

The sheriff

The counties

The volunteers 

Questions 

We look at this as a crime

Jess and Mike are friends 

I have no concerns 

Mike is strong 

Suicide no

Fuck no 

He was a woodsman, strong and vital

But I have no knowledge in the last 5 years 

Little did I know 

He was weak 

I had no idea 

We said goodbye on the curb
Chris and Peg went back to Portland
Scott had to work
We waited all day
What next
I decided to drive home
As we drove I looked out at the trees
Where are you Michael?
To my left
Signs on the road
Search crews turn here
I don't remember exactly
I turned off the road
I drove in and was overwhelmed with fear
We parked
I walked up and down the road
There was a forestry truck
No one in it
Idiot's creek
Really?
Idiot's creek
I was in shock crying
A searcher drove by
Um
My husband is missing
ex
Husband
We are still married
He is missing
They drove off to get the Sherif

Communication was an issue 

We all wanted an update 

Aimee wanted an update 

triangulated 

I wasn't angry at her for a minute or a day or a week

That wouldn't last 

The Sheriff was out of range  

No service of course and we were sitting 

Sitting in the hot sun waiting 

I kept going over and over each scenario 

Chris and Peg sat with Scott and I on the curb

We didn't know what to do and I couldn't do anything

it wasn't like him 

We waited and waited 

His heart maybe?

The food 

the drinking 

Was he loaded? 

Was he on mushrooms and had a seizure? 

What the hell happened? 

When Teless was 16 Mike was high on mushrooms and really loaded and he had a seizure and had to call 911 

He was stuck between the toilet and the wall

I was so fucking pissed

Scott had do go to work the next day 

Everyone wanted to do something 

Help search the forest 

Like in the movies 

We sat on the curb 

I talked a bit of shit about The failed tour 

Scott Cullen always said I was such a bitch

Yeah I will call a fucker out 

I actually expected more I guess than the drinking and all night party

Shitty bands 

I expected Mike to be a dad on occasion 

Or a loving husband 

So I flirted and was needy 

I couldn't get him to give a shit 

But I loved him more than anything 

I know that 

In the end he knew it 

I told him all the time 

But I hurt him and he hurt me 

23 years is a long time 

I can't remember who I talked to that day 

Tuesday 

Was it Tuesday? 

The heaviness on me and the fear 

The worry for Teless 

All I could think of was no way, no FUCKING way

Where do I go?

The police station was closed 

I entered city hall

Brandie and DD wanted to bring Teless

The shock was overwhelming me and I couldn't think

I was crying with so much fear 

Chris and Peg were coming to meet me 

It was so surreal 

It's not even in the realm of understanding I guess 

The fear 

Hi my husband is missing in the Tillimook forest what do I do?  

They looked at me with confusion and said go to the port. 

We drove to the port, the Spruce Goose is there and the correctional facility, and parole and probation. 

The sun was out and all I could think is that the weather is good

If Mike is alive he can survive the night 

He knows how to survive 

What was in his pocket 

He always had a P-38 in his pocket 

Military can opener 

I know he had a knife 

Did he have water? 

He couldn't be without coffee 

He always had a thermos 

I woke up on Tuesday 5am and my phone had missed calls
Teless says dad's missing
What
The police came
He went mushroom picking
What
Your dad can't be missing
No possible way
I've been up all night
Dad is missing in the Tillimook forest
Jess is there
No one knows anything
I can't move
Quicksand and fear
What do I do?
I put it on Facebook in hope someone could help
Or know
Or make sense of it
Mike doesn't go missing
He knows how to be in the woods
He trapped and knows how to survive
We drive to Tillimook in desperation
I get frustrated because it's too slow
I drink my coffee in the car and I'm in shock
All I can think is Teless is home waiting without me
How do I fix it
When Mike needed emotional support he'd need me to help him process
Thursday's he'd talk about what we were going to do to help his mom
Talk about how family is always number one
He never put us first
Why would it be different now while he was lost in the woods
Did he get turned around?
Have a health issue?
What do you mean he's missing.

Five years ago
I was begging Mike to go to counseling
To work on things
To give me a sixty second hug and mean it
I wasn't perfect
I had my own baggage
I messed up
He messed up
It was coming upon our 20 year anniversary
He was obsessed with the computer and his phone
October 31st 1992 we were married
Mid life crazy
Peri menopause
Alcoholism
Porn addiction
I would drop him off and have coffee
Saturday mornings
Pick him up after practice
I would wait
I'd wake up from the couch
His head bobbling drunk and that dumb drunk talk
I have a hundred pictures of him mouth wide open
Drunk talk

Spoiler alert

5 years ago a faction of my friends watched Mike leave Teless and I.  They wanted Mike to get together with my good friend.  The cheer leading section was big.  It was just fine by them.  5 years later I finally get to say good fucking riddance because in the end he fucked you all over more than he ever did me.

Scott and I swam and ate and relaxed Monday evening
It was lovely
Mike was dead most likely
I can't say for sure
But most likely
We sat in the sauna
It was nearly perfect
Mike and I always talked about having a Swedish sauna at home
We would sit in the jacuzzi
Our relationship suffered after the hot tub broke
We would sit in it every day to calm
Our relaxing space
Drink beer and put the bubbles on
It would foam because I loved the smell goods
One night we sat in the tub while lightning crashed
The rain was so wonderful
We would put a robe on in the jam room
Kissing in the wet heat and get chilled in the dark air
So many years of knowing each other inside and out
He would text
It's not the same
She isn't you
I will have a new tub
In it I will still have kisses and bubbles
She will be alone

Things began so strangely.  

It was Monday 

I was on vacation

We watched the whales

Teless called crying 

The missing dog was dead 

He dropped him off on the dude's porch

Give it a good burial 

You only needed to keep it safe for another week

He was sad 

What a shitty day but what a great day 

I watched the whales spout and roll

Once in a while a tail sighting 

I want to take that day back 

Can we start over 

If I had any sense of the day I would type the date

I'm pretty sure Mike died this day 

The death certificate says found 09/27/2017